I was introduced to Kat St John through a mutual friend. I was drawn to her vocal talent and unique sound. Naturally good music moves me, I was curious to find out more about the woman behind the music. So here is an impromptu interview I had with her.
SB: When and where did you get involved with music?
Kat St John: I first involved myself with music at the age of 9 I probably was singing younger then that but this is the earliest age I can recall. I started singing in choirs, family functions, and school events.
SB: If you could work with any musician who would it be?
Kat St John: If I could work with any artist it would be Missy Elliott and T-Pain because they are so different, have unique styles and are in their own world when it comes to music.
SB: What is your ultimate goal in life?
Kat St John: My ultimate goal is to use my successes to minister to kids and families that have been in an abusive situation to get out of it mentally and physically. It would be pleasing if I became an American icon in the process.
SB: When did you realize you wanted to be a professional musician?
Kat St John: I knew I wanted to be a professional musician when I was a freshman in high school, however there were people in my life trying to shatter those dreams and at the time I believed it so I moved on to another dream for the time being.
SB: What inspires you?
Kat St John: My musical inspiration and influence comes from are all the Jackson’s, Mary J., Karen Clark, Anita Baker, the very first group of Destiny’s Child, and Faith Evans. I’m also inspired by my son to do better and by the fact that there are not too many people supporting me as far as my family goes, that makes me want to show them that dreams do come true and that all my hard work did not go in vein, and last but not least the love of entertaining and singing drives me and to know I can do this as a career and help other people out is what inspires me. What motivates me is the fact that these opportunities will open doors for other opportunities for myself and other families and friends in my family, what really motivates me is all the doubtful people I defiantly have something to prove too.
SB: How would you define your style?
Kat St John: My style is a crossover sound, Its a mixture of alot of familiar sounds but different just like me.
SB: Do you tweet?
Kat St John: Yes I tweet, you can tweet me @katstj
For far to long the people have been lead to believe that luxury goods were only defined by price. Price is only a factor in what makes up a luxury good. Real luxury is a package which includes price, process of manufacturing, and high level of service. The highest level of service being, one that listens to you and takes instructions from you based on your desires. Because your desires make up your ideal lifestyle; making your desire a reality is a luxury. So wouldn’t that be the primary concern of any organization that is supposed to be creating luxury goods for you?
But in reality it’s not. It seems the modern luxury brands are only concerned with creating luxury items with no real concern to how you want your luxury item to look, or feel. Doesn’t seem like a luxury to me, if I have to buy it as is. Van Cleef & Arpels the French luxury Jewelry Company created earrings in 18-karat white gold with Diamonds and pink sapphires, which retails at $52,500. Here’s the catch you have to buy it as is. Are you kidding me? Let me get this straight, I shell out $52,500, with no options to get it customized. Its not like crafting the thing cost $52,500, most of the cost comes from the materials used.
Kiton the Italian designer label sells a cashmere and vicuna sport coat for $8,125. That’s off the rack, customizing it to your desires comes with another hefty fee. This has got to be a joke. I think if you’re buying a suit priced over $2,500 customizing it should come standard at no additional cost. You have to be aware that any suit above $5,000 is due to fabric and materials and not the talent of the tailor.
What every luxury industry needs to do is focus more on listening to you. At Surajo Bello our main business focus is made-to-order and made-to-measure. We are primarily concerned with catering to your desires. Our made-to-order service focuses on creating classical pieces like suits, sweaters, and trousers, based on your desired color or fabric. Ultimately your wardrobes consist of mostly classic pieces (peak or notched lapel jackets, double breasted jackets, standard barrel cuffed shirts, French cuff shirts, and jeans) and maybe a few far out pieces (uniquely printed shirts and jackets) are sprinkled here and there. We believe that if you’re going to spend $2,000 on a classic suit to add to your wardrobe, a suit that express your style and not some designers style, then it should be constructed with your instructions in mind, thus giving your wardrobe your desired and personal look and feel. Even at $1,500 (starting price for a Surajo Bello made-to-order suit) dollars we offer the same level of dedication to fulfilling your desires. The changes in price are based your fabric selection. Whether you choose a wool cashmere blend, super wool (100’s - 180’s), cotton, silk, or linen, the defining cause of price variation will be based on your tastes. The made-to-order suits come standard sized but if you feel that your personal style would express a unique fit then our made-to-measure service is for you.
Fashion luxury definitely needs to be redefined, and the Surajo Bello brand is attempting to do just that.
Charlize Theron is an actress born in Benoni Johannesburg, South Africa. I enjoyed her roles in Monster, The Italian Job, The Devils Advocate, and the Legend of Bagger Vance.
As you may have already read in one of my previous posts, music is a big part of my life. Music gives me tons of inspiration, and joy. I have particular taste to what I consider good music. For some it may start with lyrics, but for me it starts with rhythm and ends with the lyrics. There is nothing like music that can fill the room with so much energy, or fill the room with such a good feeling/vibe. Good music for me is defined by its ability to make me move, whether its a tap of my feet, a bop of my head or a full body expression of the power of the music, its moving me. Good music for me also invokes strong feelings, whether its joy, nostalgia, sorrow, or reflection, good music moves me soulfully or emotionally. So I will start making post's about songs or albums and whether it was worth it or not worth it getting your hands on it.
So with that said I recently got my hands on Lady GaGa's debut album "The Fame". Released October 28, 2008. Its one of those albums that makes you want to physically move, bop your hand, and sing along to on occasion =) I played this in my bedroom and my room was quickly filled with the vibe, you know that vibe that gets you moving. Her album is really interesting, sexual innuendos coupled with dance club beats and complimenting lyrics, its definitely worth getting your hands on, so get it and "Just Dance".
Best Songs on the album in my opinion are:
- Just Dance ft Colby Odonis - Lovegame - Paparazzi - Beautiful Dirty Rich - Poker Face - The Fame - Money Honey - I Like It Rough
How many times have you heard a women say they never plan to get married or have any children? While some genuinely believe in that, I call bullshit for most.
A main issue with most girls is they didn't experience "the moment." No matter what age, how old, how young, how ugly, how pretty, how smart, how stupid, how bad they smell, how good they smell, how lonely, how not lonely, how rich, how poor, how they dress, how they don't dress, how yellow their teeth are, how white their teeth are, where they're from, what language they speak, what culture they are accustomed to, there is one prevailing thought, they all desire to be swept off their feet. Every woman.
"No woman wakes up in the morning, thinking, god, I hope I don't get swept off my feet today."
If she tells you she doesn't she's lying, doesn't think you have the ability to, wants it from someone else or plain doesn't like you in that way, but she definitely wants to be.
Chances are that a woman who is happily in a long-term relationship has been swept off her feet by her current boyfriend or at one point in her life. She can die happy, because it happened. If she's gotten into a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and wasn't swept off her feet, chances are trouble and a rocky road with bumps in that relationship lie ahead.
Then we have the classic female, the ones who have no faith in the male gender, don't think they'll ever meet anyone worthy enough to marry, better yet, don't think they'll meet a guy that has that ability to sweep them off their feet.
Fellas, that's all they really desire.
It's really hard to blame these women who have their doubts. In actuality, the majority of men have no clue what they are doing when it comes to women, they consist of "game" but have yet to discover it. They haven't a clue how to utilize their strengths and show these attributes to the woman they desire, then ultimately, and sadly some never get to unleash their maximum potential. It is similar to a hidden talent, like touching your tongue with your nose, juggling, dividing complex numbers at a rapid pace, it's all within, you just need to dig deep and let it out.
Once you figure it out, that's a whole topic in of itself.
When a woman is swept off her feet, she experiences what I like to call "the moment." The moment is indescribable, it's basically an orgasm of emotions. Women respond with emotions, that is their language, men respond with logic, reasoning, so the two are essentially communicating in different languages, yet want the same thing, resulting in misunderstanding and confusion, and ultimately lack of "the moment." It's as if you're talking to someone in Chinese but he is speaking back to you in Spanish, it is a lost cause, where the situation deteriorates and gets ugly fast.
See, when "the moment" happens, you just know it does. The world stops, there could be chaos all around, but it's like the matrix, the moment is a bond - spiritual, emotional that connects the two and everything else doesn't matter. Time stops. Problems stop. Everything stops. You are right there and right then and could care less about what's going to happen and what happened.
Everything else has no meaning other than what's going on right now.
Any girl that has experienced the moment knows exactly what this is. Any guy that has created the moment at one time or another knows exactly what this is. See, now we're on the same page. We're speaking the same language. It's a me + you scenario, not a me vs. you idea. Me + you = the moment. Me vs. you = have a nice life.
It's what she glowingly explains in detail to her girlfriends about the next day. It's a fantasy. All woman desire to live in a fantasy world, growing up every girl has a fantasy, a romantic one and for many it's getting married. The moment brings out the little girl within, it excites the woman like she was a little girl in the candy store, it's straight out of a movie, a Cinderella story, almost surreal. A primary reason why girls seek to get married (moreso than guys) is because they want to live their fantasy, they want to be in that moment, that moment they will remember forever.
Guys, there is no correct, right or constant formula/equation to create the moment, you have to figure it out and tailor it yourself and style. Fail. Try again. Keep going. Keep setting yourself and putting yourself in the position to create it, you'll know when it's happening. Now there's numerous factors that goes into creating the moment, to be explained in other posts, but it consists of being in the right frame of mind, displaying confidence (physically also), leading the interaction, these are just some elements among a few. If you're not accustomed to creating the moment, you must become. In order to do so, you must change your mindset and your normal routine, especially on dates.
Guys, if you're not creating "the moment" or haven't ever, or if your relationship becomes sour when you're with a girl...NEWSFLASH: your current game sucks, is boring and continues to repel women. If it's not, you're getting lucky. Go play the lotto. You'll be in for a rude awakening.
Now the burden is not all primarily on the guys, that's not fair. Sure, it's their move to make (only because society has you to believe so,) but ladies you're not off the hook either. You hear women saying it all the time...why can't I meet a great guy? Guys, translation: when will I meet a guy that's going to give me the moment.
Ladies, speaking on behalf of all men in society, I say you must allow for the opportunity. The moment is only created when there's an a window of opportunity. Give him a chance. If anything, let him fail miserably. It's actually cute, ain't it?
Let's put it into perspective. It's as if you're on one side, there is a door and the male is on the outside. The guy is going to come knocking (he's going to talk to you, call, text or establish communication) - society has embedded into our culture that it's a must usually for the guy to initiate, and it's ultimately the woman's decision to decide whether to open the door or not and let him in. Don't half ass it either. Don't open it slightly, take a peek, then close it. If you do, then don't go crying about how miserable he was and you can't find anyone. If you keep opening and closing it, here's either going to break it down (if that's what you want by all means,) or stop showing up at your doorstep, knocking, he'll move on to some other door.
This cannot be stressed enough, open the door. After your initial judgment and you decide to go on that date, the games stop, either you open the door fully or might as well keep it shut. See, you don't have to let him in, but open it and open yourself to an exciting world that he has to offer on the other side. If he doesn't, move on.
It's mind boggling how many times women complain about men, when good guys with admirable and desired traits are all around them but they fail to capitalize and give them a shot.
Next time you say you don't want a man, a relationship, or to get married, ask yourself, did you ever experience the moment? Have you ever been swept off your feet?
Fellas, are you the best you can be and are offering the best you can offer, you must be by creating "the moment?"
Salutations to all fans! (Critics welcomed too) Anyone can give you some food for thought, so why not a banquet? This is what this site is about. I am Mia-Vivienne (Mee-ah Vee-Vee-n) and I will be adding some dishes along with a femme's perspective. My first post, this one, is about being comfortable in solitude.
Lonely: solitary or isolated;unhappy at being alone.
Solitude: A being solitary, or alone; seclusion.
I live in a culture where it's frightening to be alone. "I" must always equal "we" and everything must become a social event. I am able to ignite a conversation with many because of my casual, often nonchalant, demeanor and manners, therefore, I am not afraid to enter a typically social environment alone. I enjoy a festivity if the company's good, however, I not only enjoy solitude, I need it. when I am alone, I am able to hear myself think; really think. I wonder why people are terrified at having to entertain themselves with...themselves. Perhaps because they're not used to it, maybe it's because this society does not encourage it, but it could also be that they are scared of what they will find. What if you don't like yourself, once you realize who you are?
The internationally respected and quirky poet Marianne Moore has said "solitude is the cure for loneliness." The obvious answer to 'cure' loneliness is to find someone, anyone who will fill that void. Why are we so unhappy with being alone? What's so frightening about it? If my theory holds true, and we truly are scared at discovering who we are, how can we find a better-suiting answer in someone else? To know how to deal with the people in your life, you must first learn to deal with yourself. Knowing yourself will only enrich your life and fortify your relationships. Ideally, that's what we want, correct?
Although I have done 'social' things alone ( movies, restaurant , run etc..) I have yet to travel alone. This April, I will be traveling to a foreign country (Jamaica) by myself. I will be completely alone because I don't have any friends or even distant, annoying relatives in this island-nation to stay with. The thought excites me, because it's an adventure, that hopefully won't bring forth disastrous results. After all, I've seen 'Turistas', and the 'Hostel' films to ignite my imagination on what COULD go wrong.
At the risk of sounding callous, though I am aware that this next sentence will do just that- most of these tragedies that we see in movies and hear in news happen after a victim makes a stupid decision. Life is not like an eternal, sex-and-the-city-type of party, we have to make good choices for ourselves because we're the ones who pay for them. I believe that this could be an underlying reason why people won't do things like travel alone. Though we can't live our lives in terror of the next possible threat outside our doors, I believe that we should (safely) embrace as many adventures as we can. I would like to be my own source of entertainment for the brief time I'll be gone. I have been known to shock the good people in my reality, but this is a bit out there, even for moi.
Five days of me hosting me as my guest. Can I handle it?
Once a staple of only the old mans wardrobe, the double-breasted blazer has returned once again sexier then ever. Slimmer shoulders, and a slimmer overall silhouette transform the baggy, exaggerated old world blazer to a young chic must have piece for all sartorialists and stylish men.
The double-breasted blazer makes the young look more mature, makes a look that may have been informal look more formal. Pairing a navy blue double-breasted with denim jeans transforms such a relaxed look to something more stylized and chic. Ideally the double-breasted blazer is most suited for the slim and tall. The three buttons looks most appropriate on taller men due to its high lapel stand. But you can’t go wrong with the single button or two buttons blazer.
This spring you can find them offered by every brand in bold stripes, flirty colors, and the traditional navy.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people who add to the quality of your life and people who take away from the quality of your life. Which are you? This is definitely in my opinion worth contemplation, considering the many ways to add and take away from the quality of someone’s life. One way in particular is through VALUE. Value is something an individual can offer, value also can describe an individual. The person that offers the most value has the most value in a social context. The amount of value you’ve attributed to an individual, ultimately dictates how you will behave toward the individual. So if you want to add to an individual’s quality of life give that individual value when it’s due, and only take value when it’s necessary, never take value just because you can, because this is pointless. Obviously if your aware you can take value from someone it’s because they are allowing it, and they would only allow it if they respected you, so respect them by giving them the value they are giving you.
Value – the quality (positive or negative/good or bad) that renders something desirable; to regard highly or respect; to place the judgment or worth.
It is my thought and I believe others can agree, that someone of high value is respected and someone of low value is disregarded, sometimes disrespected. Now in every social interaction there is a continuous exchange of value that is usually sub communicated (non-verbally) but at times can be communicated verbally.
Value taker – An individual who takes value from a person either for one of the following reasons: To assert authority, to de-value the other individual or to flat out disrespect another person.
To assert authority isn’t necessarily a bad thing, sometimes leaders are needed, so someone must take value from the team members or peers in order to assert a leadership position. In an instance like that, assertion of authority is necessary, but sometimes individuals try to assert authority only to de-value other people. The need to de-value other people is usually born from insecurity. Then there are some people who just want to disrespect an individual or ruin and individual in the eyes of others so, they intentionally de-value that individual publicly. On the flip side de-valuing can be used as a defense weapon against someone trying to de-value you.
Value giver – An individual who gives value to a person usually because they respect, admire, adore, idealize, or fancy the individual.
When we respect someone we give them value. They have some influence on us, and are of significance. Usually we give value to people who we perceive as giving us some kind of benefit. Whether they are benefiting us physically, emotionally, intellectually, or socially, we perceive them as adding quality to our life. When we value people we not only give them a significant meaning to us, we also tend to do things for them. The action of doing things for them is offering value.
We all have to play the role of value taker and value giver every waking moment of our lives, since we are social beings. If you are always the value taker then eventually you will push people away because they will either feel intimidated by you or just disrespected. If you are always the value giver then people are going to perceive you as the push over and they’ll treat you as they please. So you want to always balance it out when appropriate. Also take note you can function as the cause of value being taken away from you, by acting weak, insecure, basically doing things that show character flaw. At the same time you can act as the cause of people giving you value by doing things that are of good character. I’ll proceed to give you examples of Situational Value
Value taking (verbally)
Scenario - Imagine your having a conversation with someone, about a mutual acquaintance/friend. You’re talking about how good that person is, when bam the person you’re having the conversation with says “She is superficial, so into herself, I think it’s kind of shallow. Don’t you notice how she is always talking about having to get her hair or nails done, having to go shopping, needing to buy new shoes, yada, yada, yada...”
What’s actually going on – The person who is making the comment is taking value from the acquaintance. How? Well if you put someone into a negative context such as “shallow, superficial” then your de-valuing them, and adding value to yourself. But how are you adding value to yourself? The simple act of categorizing someone else into a negative context automatically places you into a positive or good context, thus adding value to yourself. Now if there are other parties present while your doing that, and they don’t challenge what the person is saying, or if they start agreeing, then they become value givers (giving the speaker value), because they will automatically think your not in that category of “superficial, shallow” that’s why your pointing it out. Now as people we have all give value to the words “Superficial and shallow”. We generally don’t think these are good qualities to posses, and why? Because they are somewhat derivatives of arrogance and we’re told, by society, to shun arrogance. Nietzsche is beginning to make more sense to me now (See “The Genealogy of Morals” by Nietzsche). The scenario above is similar to the mis-representation of a person’s confidence in themselves as arrogance. Sometimes people are really confident in themselves, and people while ascribe to them the characteristic pf arrogance, which only devalues them to the people around themselves.
Value Taking and giving (sub-communication a.k.a non-verbal)
Scenario – A guy is out in the club. He sees this woman on the dance floor, who he finds absolutely gorgeous. She becomes the one he fancies. He makes his way toward her, and taps her shoulder. He says to her “Hello there, you are gorgeous”. She responds nonchalantly “Thanks” (she’s heard it before). He says “You’re a good dancer” as he moves in closer and begins to dance with her. She turns her back toward him and continues dancing pretending he doesn’t exist. He takes that as a cue to grind her, and she quickly turns around, as she’s dancing she’s not even making eye contact with him. He moves in closer. She starts edging back because he’s to close for comfort. Right then a friend of the woman comes to tell her something and recognizes the guy. They are acquaintances and she formally introduces the guy and the woman he fancies. She then leaves and he continues dancing with her. He edges in closer and she doesn’t edge back. She’s making eye contact now. He’s edging back now and she’s moving forward placing one hand around his shoulder. They’re both into it now; he’s whispering something in her ear and she’s giggling. They eventually stop dancing and start chatting, long story short they exchange numbers. Game over!
What’s actually going on – The moment the guy says to himself that the woman he sees is gorgeous/beautiful/attractive etc, he has given value to her. Sometimes even more value to her then he give himself. As he approaches her he is again giving her value, by the simple act of leaving his comfort zone and attempting to enter hers. This is non-verbal valuing giving. As he voices to her “your gorgeous” he is giving her value verbally and her response “Thanks” means she’s taking his value. In this particular scenario the woman is being nonchalant and a bit standoffish. When people act nonchalant they are taking value and her acting standoffish is non-verbal value taking. She feels like the prize now, she feels her value is way higher then his, and she’s right because he’s the one that approached her and complimented her, and now he has to meet her standards. The person with the most value has the most power and the person with the most power controls the direction of the interaction. When people act standoffish, they are trying to take value from you by making you try harder to win them over. They’ve ascribed greater value to themselves so they may feel that they need not entertain you. She turned her back toward him, which was again taking value from him, and causing him to want to win her over. Then the girl’s friend comes into the scene. If they are friend then they probably take and give value to each other continuously. When the girl realizes that the guy knows her friend she gives him value. When the friend acknowledges the guy she giving him value and when your friend gives someone value you tend to follow as well. Now he’s somebody to her, because he knows her friends, now she’s going to be less standoffish and more open to his advances. She’s making eye contact now, reciprocating flirtatious body language and etc. Notice how she went from value taker to value giver once she sees someone else (her friend) giving him value. Notice how he goes from the value giver to value taker once the friend acknowledges him. And most of the value taking and giving has occurred non-verbally. It was sub-communicated.
(Another fine example of value taking and giving is this scene from the movie “Hitch” pay attention to who's giving and taking value and how value is being offered and taken)
I could give you many more scenarios of valuing giving and taking but I think you get the jest of it. So next time I want you to think, are you the person who is constantly taking value from people, thus not enhancing their quality of life. Or are you the person that’s always giving value to people therefore enhancing the quality of their life. If you want to know if you’re offering value you can ask yourself “If someone did X for me would it make me happy or excited?” If you answer no then odds are your not offering value. If you want to know how to offer value its simple if you think of this question all the time “How can I make this fun for us?” If you are offering/giving value and not coming from a needy place inside yourself (not concerned about getting validation from someone) then you are being a genuine person and that’s Valued.
The dynamic social media landscape continues to be one of the most popular aspects in the digital world. Each of these social platforms come in various shapes and sizes. They consist of different uses, different ways to express yourself and different types of interactions. From Facebook to Myspace to YouTube to Flickr to LinkedIn to Blogging, we have the ability to create a brand for ourselves in numerous ways. The tools these social medias provide allow you to construct an image you want to portrayed by. Privately or professional, these social media platforms are crucial in building interactions, building awareness, building trust and building your entity to be perceived and recognized as something of value.
The micro-blogging site called Twitter has become increasingly popular and the next powerhouse amongst the social media landscape. Twitter has an estimated 4.1 million visits to the site per month in the United States alone and is growing at a rapid pace. [In the process of setting up mine!]
Brands are utilizing Twitter to connect them to their target audiences in building trust and relationships. Celebrities are utilizing Twitter to interact with their fans and inform them of their status on a daily basis. News organizations are utilizing Twitter to keep readers informed of the latest headlines. Management of a coffee shop in Houston are utilizing Twitter by taking orders from customers via a message have doubled their clientele. The President of the United States and goverment officials are utilizng Twitter in delivering messages and speaking of issues to citizens. Transit authorities are utilizing Twitter in keeping riders informed of service disruptions and changes.
Crucial to Twitter's success is in it's simplicity. It is fairly easy to use and is notoriously addicting. Here is the basic breakdown of Twitter:
Twitter is a free social-networking tool that keeps people connected with one another and with sources of information.
Twitter users submit updates about whatever they're currently doing, and these updates cannot exceed 140 text-based characters.
The term twittering describes the activity of updating a Twitter account. A tweet is an individual Twitter update. Twitterers are people who use the service.
Instead of the term "friend" to refer to people who are connected with one another, Twitterers consist of "followers," by finding a person's username and selecting a "Follow" option. This alerts the person that you're following them and their messages, and they can also choose to follow you in return.
Twitter works on mobile phones, with the 140-character limit allows messages to be sent and received via text messaging or on smart phone applications via iPhones or Blackberrys. Tweets can also be sent and received via email.
Updates can be public as in follow-able by anyone, encouraging a chain of people to follow the same social circle. Users also have the choice to protect their updates, meaning they must grant permission for others to follow them.
Each tweet that appears within your Twitter feed can be replied to using a shortcut arrow that appears beside the tweet. Responses to these tweets are called @Replies.
For example: Mike tweets about loving the Borat movie, a follower of his can reply to this with a tweet of their own that says, "@Mike I loved the subway scene." These @Replies are visible by everyone, and must start with @ plus the username of whomever you're responding to.
If you haven’t read the book A New Earth: Awakening to your life purpose by Eckhart Tolle, then I’d like to recommend it. It’s an exceptional book though some of the concepts seem esoteric at first, eventually something will happen to you or you’ll observe something that will bring about that unifying click, which signals understanding. Now of the many interesting concepts in regards to the egos mind structures and mechanisms discussed in the book, with this post I’d like to focus on the PainBody.
Based on what I understand of Mr. Tolle explanation of the PainBody, it seems to be an entity of its own within us that basically has its own identity derived from pain. I believe the painbody consist of emotional and physical pain. The painbody thrives on pain; specifically emotional pain and it cannot survive with out it. The painbody did not have an identity of its own in our early childhood because we were ignorant to emotional pain; all we knew then were physical pains. Emotional pains are based on social understandings, concepts, and structures. When we are socialized the pain body develops an identity, which makes sense because that’s when we start developing our identities too. For example “heartbreak”, is a socialized emotional pain. By socialized emotional pain I mean you only understand what it is once you defined or assigned meaning to some interaction you’re having. (i.e. my girlfriend cheats or dumps me, I’ll be heartbroken, because I’ve assigned meaning to our interactions and our relationship). Now I’m inclined to believe 1-3 year olds don’t assign such meaning to interactions or themselves. I can’t begin to think a two year old feels heartbroken. So the painbody must begin its feeding once an individual has become socialized. Once socialized; we begin to seek out existences through definitions; we seek to define ourselves relative to everyone else and the world. Every time we experience something that counters our belief, the painbody feeds. The painbody in essence is our socialized emotional pain compounded. From the first time you felt sad, angry, bitter, depressed, or disappointed to present day. There are painbodies unique to the individual, and then there are collective painbodies.
So how do you know your painbody is activated? Ask yourself this question, has someone ever done something, or said something to you that mad you so filled with rage, anger, or sadness it’s as if you were totally enveloped by the emotion? That’s the pain body identifying with past experiences and adding the current one to the catalog. So it’s as if you’re experiencing all those past experiences in the present moment, and that’s why the feeling is so strong or intensified. So the first step is to recognize when a negative feeling becomes rapidly present and intense, because the recognition of it allows you to be un-identified with it. The reason you need to be un-identified with it is because its strength diminishes when you realize it’s not you, its not how you want to be, it’s not how you want to feel. Identifying with it means you’re welcoming it; therefore you’ll become consumed by it. Even when you‘ve realized the painbody and resisted its flare-up’s it’s not that simple. The painbody is quite the seductive spirit. Emotions are quite seductive in nature, they change and have derivatives which you may not recognize at first. The painbody needs to feed, so even when you managed to stop painbody flare ups triggered by external forces, the pain body will attempt to trigger itself by creating a situation in your mind. For example have you ever seen someone throw fits of rage for no apparent reason? Ever seen someone start verbally or physically attacking someone for no apparent reason? Maybe you’ve verbally blew up at a cashier or maybe an atm machine for not doing something you wanted? That’s the painbody creating imagined situations so you can envoke it. The painbody wants you to lose your cool; because once you lose control it assumes it.
The best representation I can think of is the Marvel comic fictional character Bruce Banner and his rage filled counterpart the Incredible Hulk.
Bruce Banner becomes so consumed by his painbody that he transforms into his raged filled self which is totally different from his normal self.
Your painbody can also be activated by other people’s painbody. Ever wondered why misery loves company? Why someone who’s miserable can suck you into that miserable state of mind? If you allow them, painbodies feed off of pain. It can be your pain; it can be someone else’s pain. Don’t allow it? If you see someone totally consumed by their painbody and they try to make you consumed by your painbody by angering you, don’t allow them. Now collective painbodies can be experienced by nations, ethnic/racial groups, or gender. An example of a national painbody would be the one that was experienced by the majority of Americans against Muslims and people of middle eastern decent, directly after the attacks of 9/11. The simple utterance of 9/11 triggers that national painbody. You know at that point the painbody was so strong the masses did not speak out against the invasion of Iraq; we were so consumed with anger and the need for retribution that we acted. We know it’s irrational now, because Iraq had no weapons of mass destruction and Saddam and his regime were actually opposed to the real perpetrators of the crime (al-Qaeda) because they posed a threat to his power. Ethnic/racial painbodies would be triggered by slurs or derogatory words used against that race or ethnic group. Think for a moment…is there an ethnic/racial slur that invokes anger in a specific race? Even if an individual in that race wasn't directly the victim of such a slur, it may enrage him or her. That is a collective painbody that has been alive for many years, and continues to live because people allow it to. Lastly painbodies can be collective of a specific gender. For example many women assume that all guys are after one thing or all guys are cheaters. This assumed idea fuels the collective painbody that women use to identify with each other and downplay guys. Imagine a panel of women, or girl’s night out. Have you ever found your conversation focusing on bashing the male sex, with everyone in passionate agreement and en-raged by men for no logical reason? That’s the collective female painbody. I would imagine men experience something similar. But you must all be the one that refuses to accept that invitation. Don’t allow the painbody to seduce you. Be aware that it will sometimes try to sneak in even when you didn’t invite it. Don’t lose your cool, don’t loose control, and don’t allow the painbody to consume you. Recognize it and you will silence it.
This is dedicated to the guy out there that secretly has feelings for his female friend. Its okay bro, its okay, you live and you learn.
You had or have feelings for her but guess what she just wants to be “friends”. Can you blame her? Nothing about the way you were behaving screamed “I am a worthy man, hear me roarrrrrrr! “ So she sees you as a buddy, even worse you accept it and continue to be her buddy. I hope you realize what you’re getting yourself into, but in case you don’t I’ve managed to get the implicit and un-spoke contract that girls use to friend zone guys. This is what it looks like:
I (insert your name) do solemnly swear to uphold my duties as a girlfriend of (insert girls name here). I will cry with, listen to her complains about men, go shopping with, and share in mutual pain attributed to cramps due to our monthly cycle. I swear to never make any sexual advances, not even attempt a kiss. I promise to be the third wheel when she goes on dates. Go team Go! ______________________________X Sign name here
Yup in essence this is what you’re agreeing to by accepting her reality. Once you agree that you’re only her buddy and can be nothing more, the standard has been set, and this new reality she’s created is the basis of all future interactions, you, my friend have been “friend zoned”. You lost by accepting it, and once you accept it its ridiculously difficult to change that at some point in the future. The friend zone is like an all-encompassing black hole
Every attempt you make to overcome it will only result in you being pulled further into it with the utterance of those three skin crawling words “we’re just friends”. Every utter of that combination of words strengthens her beliefs about you. She’s getting stronger the more you accept it. I’m not particularly opposed to being friends with females. Actually I think its healthy you have female friends, women have a lot to offer even if your not attracted to them. They have a perspective on things, issues, or the world that you’ll never see because you’re a man. We (men & women) both have value to offer each other. But be honest with yourself. If your attracted to the girl and think you’ll win her over by being her friend first, you’re setting yourself up for the friend zone. But if you genuinely want to be her friend and you’re not attracted to her, then by all means be her friend, and offer each other value. But if you like a woman, you have to let it be know. No hiding behind the disguise of being her friend. You have to set the tone from the first interactions. By doing this your creating the reality for her, your telling her, I’m not here to be your girlfriend, I’m here as a potential mate. If you make that the tone of your interactions from the beginning she’ll either accept it, or never talk to you again. She can’t say, were just friends because you barely know each other. If you set the “I want you” tone from the beginning in her mind your exact relationship is either “potential mate” or “ambiguous”, and your better off in any of these two categories then in the “friend zone”.
Lets say you managed to get yourself into the friend zone. Ahhhh this is going to be a real challenge. Its going to take everything ounce of manhood and courage you have to overcome the gravitational pull of the friend zone. Please don't be a crooner
If at some point you end up having a romantic interest in her, its time to let it be known full force. No holding back, no what if she doesn’t like me. That’s not your concern. Your only concern is to let it be known how you feel, no hiding behind your insecurities. To overcome the friend zone you’ll need to be bold, honest, and be a risk taker. You’ll need to risk your friendship, risk your current comfort zone, and risk her current comfort zone. It that simple! With your new found courage she’ll resist and say it again “we’re just friends”, but now you’ll say something like “well I’m willing to throw away a good friendship for a wonderful romance, I want you, and your just friends bs cant change my mind”. She’ll probably resist but you have to set the reality now, set the tone! Only the guy that’s willing to lose the girl gets the girl. And if you do lose the girl, at least you wont regret having never said anything, at least you don’t have to endure another moment of seeing or hearing about other guys she’s dating that are not the right ones for her. I mean if you sincerely like her, why should you settle for just being friends. Why should you hide the way you feel, or keep your mouth shut? What you have to offer her and what she has to offer you can never be the same with anyone else. The moments that you could share with her and she could share with you could never be the same with anyone else. When you realize that, you’ll see more of a reason of why you should let her know how you feel. Go get her tiger!
P.S. This article was geared toward men, but I don’t see why it wouldn’t work for a woman who has been put in the “friend zone” ;-)
The realization has dawned on me. I had to learn the hard way, but you don't. Ladies and gentlemen, listen up. Looking for that makeout? Want to go in for the kiss? Wondering when it's going to happen? Why's it taking so long? Remember this, KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid. Everything in life, and more importantly dating/relationships is made much more complex than it should and needs to be.
Simple is good. Simple leads to less stress. Less agony. Less pain. I'm sure that's what you desire. No more physical, emotional distress. No more hijacked mind, thinking about that person all the time. No more buts, can'ts, what ifs, or whys. No more. Keep it simple stupid.
Every person in existence desires a companion, a significant other. For the sake of keeping it simple, girls like guys, guys like girls. Girls want guys. Guys want girls. Both guys and girls have needs; emotional and physical. Both guys and girls want to be liked by each other, they both want to kiss, they want to share moments.
So when you've been going out for months and he hasn't officially called you his girlfriend, and you sit and wonder why? You didn't keep it simple stupid. She's been flaky on the phone? You're make it too complicating, just keep it simple stupid. Desperately seeking that babe working in the store's attention? Stop over thinking, that's right, keep it simple stupid.
See a reoccurring trend here? It's simple isn't it? Each situation is as complex as you decide to make it be. If you see someone you like, instead of hoping they notice you or instead of strategically positioning yourself in a place you hope they'll see you, go up to them. Talk. We're people, that's what we do. The bigger deal you make it, the more complex it becomes. Introduce yourself, smile, say hello. Keep it simple stupid. Instead of hoping someone tells you they love you, or like you, take that shortcut, simplify the situation, let them know. I like you. You'll get that kiss you seek.
KISS - try it. Let me know the results. Stop overthinking, stop waiting, stop making excuses, stop over-complicating things, simplify your life. Repeat it, next time you start getting anxious in front of that hottie: Keep it simple stupid.
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