Value – the quality (positive or negative/good or bad) that renders something desirable; to regard highly or respect; to place the judgment or worth.
It is my thought and I believe others can agree, that someone of high value is respected and someone of low value is disregarded, sometimes disrespected. Now in every social interaction there is a continuous exchange of value that is usually sub communicated (non-verbally) but at times can be communicated verbally.
Value taker – An individual who takes value from a person either for one of the following reasons: To assert authority, to de-value the other individual or to flat out disrespect another person.
To assert authority isn’t necessarily a bad thing, sometimes leaders are needed, so someone must take value from the team members or peers in order to assert a leadership position. In an instance like that, assertion of authority is necessary, but sometimes individuals try to assert authority only to de-value other people. The need to de-value other people is usually born from insecurity. Then there are some people who just want to disrespect an individual or ruin and individual in the eyes of others so, they intentionally de-value that individual publicly. On the flip side de-valuing can be used as a defense weapon against someone trying to de-value you.
Value giver – An individual who gives value to a person usually because they respect, admire, adore, idealize, or fancy the individual.
When we respect someone we give them value. They have some influence on us, and are of significance. Usually we give value to people who we perceive as giving us some kind of benefit. Whether they are benefiting us physically, emotionally, intellectually, or socially, we perceive them as adding quality to our life. When we value people we not only give them a significant meaning to us, we also tend to do things for them. The action of doing things for them is offering value.
We all have to play the role of value taker and value giver every waking moment of our lives, since we are social beings. If you are always the value taker then eventually you will push people away because they will either feel intimidated by you or just disrespected. If you are always the value giver then people are going to perceive you as the push over and they’ll treat you as they please. So you want to always balance it out when appropriate. Also take note you can function as the cause of value being taken away from you, by acting weak, insecure, basically doing things that show character flaw. At the same time you can act as the cause of people giving you value by doing things that are of good character. I’ll proceed to give you examples of Situational Value
Value taking (verbally)
Scenario - Imagine your having a conversation with someone, about a mutual acquaintance/friend. You’re talking about how good that person is, when bam the person you’re having the conversation with says “She is superficial, so into herself, I think it’s kind of shallow. Don’t you notice how she is always talking about having to get her hair or nails done, having to go shopping, needing to buy new shoes, yada, yada, yada...”
What’s actually going on – The person who is making the comment is taking value from the acquaintance. How? Well if you put someone into a negative context such as “shallow, superficial” then your de-valuing them, and adding value to yourself. But how are you adding value to yourself? The simple act of categorizing someone else into a negative context automatically places you into a positive or good context, thus adding value to yourself. Now if there are other parties present while your doing that, and they don’t challenge what the person is saying, or if they start agreeing, then they become value givers (giving the speaker value), because they will automatically think your not in that category of “superficial, shallow” that’s why your pointing it out. Now as people we have all give value to the words “Superficial and shallow”. We generally don’t think these are good qualities to posses, and why? Because they are somewhat derivatives of arrogance and we’re told, by society, to shun arrogance. Nietzsche is beginning to make more sense to me now (See “The Genealogy of Morals” by Nietzsche). The scenario above is similar to the mis-representation of a person’s confidence in themselves as arrogance. Sometimes people are really confident in themselves, and people while ascribe to them the characteristic pf arrogance, which only devalues them to the people around themselves.
Value Taking and giving (sub-communication a.k.a non-verbal)
Scenario – A guy is out in the club. He sees this woman on the dance floor, who he finds absolutely gorgeous. She becomes the one he fancies. He makes his way toward her, and taps her shoulder. He says to her “Hello there, you are gorgeous”. She responds nonchalantly “Thanks” (she’s heard it before). He says “You’re a good dancer” as he moves in closer and begins to dance with her. She turns her back toward him and continues dancing pretending he doesn’t exist. He takes that as a cue to grind her, and she quickly turns around, as she’s dancing she’s not even making eye contact with him. He moves in closer. She starts edging back because he’s to close for comfort. Right then a friend of the woman comes to tell her something and recognizes the guy. They are acquaintances and she formally introduces the guy and the woman he fancies. She then leaves and he continues dancing with her. He edges in closer and she doesn’t edge back. She’s making eye contact now. He’s edging back now and she’s moving forward placing one hand around his shoulder. They’re both into it now; he’s whispering something in her ear and she’s giggling. They eventually stop dancing and start chatting, long story short they exchange numbers. Game over!
What’s actually going on – The moment the guy says to himself that the woman he sees is gorgeous/beautiful/attractive etc, he has given value to her. Sometimes even more value to her then he give himself. As he approaches her he is again giving her value, by the simple act of leaving his comfort zone and attempting to enter hers. This is non-verbal valuing giving. As he voices to her “your gorgeous” he is giving her value verbally and her response “Thanks” means she’s taking his value. In this particular scenario the woman is being nonchalant and a bit standoffish. When people act nonchalant they are taking value and her acting standoffish is non-verbal value taking. She feels like the prize now, she feels her value is way higher then his, and she’s right because he’s the one that approached her and complimented her, and now he has to meet her standards. The person with the most value has the most power and the person with the most power controls the direction of the interaction. When people act standoffish, they are trying to take value from you by making you try harder to win them over. They’ve ascribed greater value to themselves so they may feel that they need not entertain you. She turned her back toward him, which was again taking value from him, and causing him to want to win her over. Then the girl’s friend comes into the scene. If they are friend then they probably take and give value to each other continuously. When the girl realizes that the guy knows her friend she gives him value. When the friend acknowledges the guy she giving him value and when your friend gives someone value you tend to follow as well. Now he’s somebody to her, because he knows her friends, now she’s going to be less standoffish and more open to his advances. She’s making eye contact now, reciprocating flirtatious body language and etc. Notice how she went from value taker to value giver once she sees someone else (her friend) giving him value. Notice how he goes from the value giver to value taker once the friend acknowledges him. And most of the value taking and giving has occurred non-verbally. It was sub-communicated.
(Another fine example of value taking and giving is this scene from the movie “Hitch” pay attention to who's giving and taking value and how value is being offered and taken)
I could give you many more scenarios of valuing giving and taking but I think you get the jest of it. So next time I want you to think, are you the person who is constantly taking value from people, thus not enhancing their quality of life. Or are you the person that’s always giving value to people therefore enhancing the quality of their life. If you want to know if you’re offering value you can ask yourself “If someone did X for me would it make me happy or excited?” If you answer no then odds are your not offering value. If you want to know how to offer value its simple if you think of this question all the time “How can I make this fun for us?” If you are offering/giving value and not coming from a needy place inside yourself (not concerned about getting validation from someone) then you are being a genuine person and that’s Valued.
